Adult 0 Spaz 1

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Lessons Learned When I Forgot My Meds

I was out of town for three weeks at Christmas. Like the adult I am, I checked my medications to make sure I would have enough while I was gone. Like the Spaz I am, the fact I take two Concerta a day slipped my mind and in reality, I did NOT have enough to get me through my time away.

A little background, Concerta is what I take to manage my ADHD. It’s a central nervous system stimulant that I’ve been taking for about a year. Since starting it, my doctor has been slowly increasing my dose. He started me off at a child’s dosage. There is no magic formula to determine the right medication and the right dosage for an individual. Basically, you increase the medication until you go wiggedy woo (not an actual medical term) and then you scale back to the previous dosage where you were “normal”.

Because I started at such a low dose, I didn’t immediately notice all the benefits. I have friends who, when they started taking ADHD meds, it was like a light went on. They said it was like night and day. One friend described how her underwire broke through the fabric of her bra and she didn’t rage. Before medication, she would have been so angry at this small nuisance. This time she just sewed up the hole without all the previous drama.

I didn’t have a night and day experience.

Over time and as the dosage increased, I did start to notice a difference. In the mornings, I didn’t have to get up and immediately leave the house. I found I was getting more chores done. I wasn’t as anxious/bored as usual. I could have a conversation without my thoughts jumping all over the place and more often than not, I remembered the point of my story. I can definitively say – that was not the case pre-medication. Friends and family can attest to this.

Now back to the point of this post (see what happened there??). I didn’t have enough medication. So, I took one pill a day until they ran out and then no pills for about a week. I wasn’t overly worried about being medication-free; I was on holiday and didn’t need to focus as much or really get anything done.

When I got back to work, I still hadn’t filled my prescription. I spent three nine hour shifts without Concerta. I work in a hotel lounge as a bartender/server. I enjoy the work, I work three days a week, it’s considered full-time so I get benefits (helps pay for my meds which are very expensive), and it leaves me lots of time to pursue other interests. Like this blog. Anyhow, I digress (funny how this happens).

During these shifts, I learned the full extent of the positive effects of my medication. I spent a lot of time on those shifts standing in the middle of the lounge trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Looking around the lounge, I had to laugh at the slew of half finished jobs I saw. The cutlery was half polished, the book shelf was half dusted with a wet rag sitting on it, and a regular was wondering where her beer got to.  Several times in the middle of a conversation, I struggled to remember what the purpose of it was. And the exhaustion at the end of the shift was overwhelming; I’d forgotten about that level of fatigue.

To borrow a phrase from Oprah, this was my “aha” moment. If I had any doubts about being on medication before, I sure don’t now. I feel more in control of my emotions, my anxiety is less, I get more completed. And I was able toe start this blog, which was an idea I have had for years. In fact, I bought the web address over a year ago. But, like many ADHDers, starting something can be daunting.

I’ve also been able to make progress on a business idea I have. So for me, medication has been a great addition to my life. I still haven’t reached my wiggedy woo point (though many will argue that wiggedy woo is my baseline).

I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves and to society to work at finding the best version of ourselves. And medication helps me to do this. I am a more productive member of society because of it.

Let’s Talk

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Today, in Canada, it’s Bell’s Let’s Talk Day. It is a campaign designed to break the silence around mental illness and support mental health in Canada. I’m pretty open about being an ADHDer and that I deal with anxiety. I’ve been talking about doing a blog forever and I thought today would be an ideal launch day. I hope my journey helps people understand how my brain works (or doesn’t work) and how that affects my life. My hope is this blog will help people better understand themselves and/or others in their lives.

My Journey

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. But the diagnosis was no surprise to anyone who knew me as a child. In fact, part of the assessment was a questionnaire my primary childhood caretaker had to complete. That’s my Mom. To be honest, I think she still fills that role. I read her the questions over the phone and pretty much all her answers pointed to a positive diagnosis. In fact, I didn’t even really need her to answer the questions.  I must say we had a good laugh remembering the incidents that led us to our conclusions.

As a child in the late 70s/early 80s not as much was known about ADHD. My mom didn’t think I had it because there was the odd time I could relax. In hindsight, we realized my “relaxing” was just me collapsing from utter exhaustion. I was a good student but a disruptive one. I spent a lot of time sitting in the hallway or in the principal’s office. Often, I would leave the classroom crying and screaming. I would lock myself in the janitor’s closet (actually just an extra stall in the girl’s bathroom with no toilet). I would sing Country Roads Take Me Home until I calmed down and then I would head back to class.

It’s almost impossible to embarrass me now. After you have to walk back into a classroom you left screaming and yelling about how everyone hates you, you develop a high tolerance for embarrassing situations. The last time I left the classroom screaming was in Grade 6. I ran around the portable to burn off energy. I remember my classmates watching me through the tiny windows. At a high school reunion, a classmate’s son asked if I was the one who ran laps around the portable. “Yup,” I said. “That was me.”

What’s interesting is during that time, I was trying so hard to be “good”. To be like everyone else. To not interrupt constantly (something I still have problems with), to not fly off the handle (family term for a meltdown), to not overreact. Basically, to NOT be so damn disruptive. I wasn’t very successful at this and it broke my heart. But I’m an eternal optimist and always believed the next day, next week, next school year, things would be different, I’d be successful.

I wasn’t. It took me a long time to realize I was wired differently. And that was okay.

I was in my 30s before I was diagnosed. I was working with a psychologist, initially to deal with a big relationship break-up and then to deal with my fatigue and frustration with life. She referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment. The psychiatrist told me that on a scale of 0 (no ADHD) and 100 (the worst case he’d seen), I was a 75. Normally, he would send someone to behaviour class along with prescribing medication, but he said I could teach those classes. Somewhere along the way, I had developed good behaviour strategies, but they left me exhausted. Trying to be “good” all day left me with no energy.

Lessons Learned

So, what have I learned?

  • Everybody’s brain is wired differently and that’s what makes us all beautifully different.
  • Self care is really important; this was a hard-learned lesson. My mantra had always been “suck it up Princess”. This led to some spectacular meltdowns (a toddler would have been proud) and burn out.
  • Everything is not my fault. Growing up being so disruptive at school and at home, I took responsibility for everything that went wrong. If I had been “good”, x, y, and z would not have happened. As an adult, this led to me staying in relationships and jobs way too long. Because, I believed that if I changed or did something different (i.e. better) and was “good”, everything would be better. What a crock of shit!!!!!

Struggles

  • I am either perfect or a hot mess. Nothing in between. I’m either working out like mad or lying on the couch doing nothing. I’m either crushing all my goals or hiding them in my closet (I’m becoming a bit of a hoarder).
  • Start a task or project can be painful. I now break them down into smaller pieces but it’s still a work in progress.
  • Being overwhelmed. Basically, a deer in headlights. When I don’t do self-care, trying to make a decision can be paralyzing.

BUT I am here to tell you, I’m a functioning and contributing member of society. I work, I pay my bills, I have great friends and an amazing family. Now, like when I was growing up, I have my challenges. I don’t know if they are harder than people without ADHD, maybe they are just different and more visible. But all these challenges have made me who I am today and I love me.

What’s next?

With this blog, I’m going to talk about thriving and surviving with ADHD, what it means to me to have ADHD, how I cope, some of my “hacks” and I hope you give me some feedback. I’d love to learn from you too. Let’s see where this journey takes us.